How Not To Be President

They’re at it again. There are a group of fanatical Christians from Castlebar known as the  Castlebarbarians, and called so as they do not represent the opinion of the regular Castlebarians, they are, like most fanatics, a tiny minority with big mouths. Well anyways, they have set up a website called something like ‘David Norris 4 President’, but actually when you read it, it’s full of the usual insinuations that being gay equals being a pervert and paedophile. I’m purposely not linking to the site just in case the right wing Christians who created it think that anyone would want to read such crap.

The thing that always amuses me though is the claim that being gay goes against being Christian as the bible, and we’re talking Leviticus here, claims that that sort of gay carry on is an abomination. Of course, if you were to read everything in the book of Leviticus, you’d discover that it’s also an abomination to eat a prawn and that you’ll burn in hell if you work on the Sabbath.

Now the problem is this, I’ve read all the ins and outs of homosexuality from various aspects in the bible and it looks like the bottom line is this: it’s fine to be gay. But the problem is the prawns. Eating shellfish is an abomination, and I think I once saw David Norris eat a prawn at the opening of some gay thing in Dublin. They were little crackers with prawn salad, and indeed I had one myself but I’m allowed to commit abominations as I’ve already worked out that I’m condemned anyway, because Leviticus also states that it’s an abomination for a woman to wear a man’s garment. Well I once wore a pair of grey pin striped pants to work, so that’s me out of God’s good books.

So there you go. Eat prawns, be gay, work on the Sabbath or talk to a woman who has her period and there’s no way you should be president. In fact, there’s no way you should be anything. But the good news is, if you are a heterosexual misogynist with zero charisma who hates shell fish, you may well be in line to run the country. In fact, you may well be running it already. 

The only problem now though, is who the hell should be elected as President? Given that the president is someone who represents Ireland at home and abroad, they would definitely need a proven track record in being dedicated to justice, have tons of charisma and be open minded and inclusive towards all the diverse people living on the island. How about a civil rights campaigner and independent politician who is compassionate and intelligent? Throw in being one of the worlds’ leading Joycean scholars and a sense of humour, and there you have it, perfect President.

I was thinking that David Norris might fit the bill perfectly; I’ll just have to rectify the issue of the prawns.