Sex & Guilt

Having lived away for years, I’ve always felt there’s a kind of bonus connected to being Irish. I don’t mean the fact that people come up to you and say ‘ah, you are Irish, the green island, you have shiny yellow face from Kerrygold butter.’ And I don’t mean the Americans’ with their ‘I love your brogue’. What I mean is the sex.

As a rule, sex and guilt are inextricably connected for the Irish, and let’s face it, sex without guilt would be banal. I know, because I’ve had sex with people from at least 27 countries spread across the globe, even if I’ve never been to bed with anyone from Wales. Believe me; having sex with someone who doesn’t feel guilty about it just dampens the whole thing. They leave the light on; they ask you things like ‘am I getting the right spot there?’ and they’re loud. They fart in bed, they examine your privates the way a doctor does and they make you orgasm the way an Irish person might make you a cup of tea: too often, too sweet and not hot enough.

Guilt is sexy. You can really only talk dirty to a person if you have been blessed with guilt. Someone who doesn’t understand Irish guilt might be offended if you say ‘you filthy bitch, you dirty whore’. For example, let’s say you’re in bed with a German. The reply might be that the said woman immediately retrieves her clothes from the floor and leaves, saying (read in strong German accent): I zink zere has been a misundershtandink, I am not a filzy whore, I vas doink it for free, jast for fan.

There’s nothing sexier than having sex with someone when it feels oh so damn wrong and forbidden and filthy. If you’re Irish you’ll know what I mean. That surge of sexiness just because you shouldn’t.

And another thing, because it’s a very human thing to want to do the forbidden the Irish actually have more sex than any other nationality; and I should know, because I am Irish. The other proof is in the amount of kids that the Irish have had over the years. In fact, if you are Irish, you should be thankful for guilt, because without it, you probably never would have been conceived and never would have made it into the world to enjoy the joys of guilt. Imagine that. Without guilt, you would probably never be here today. So go spread the guilt. It’s damn sexy.