Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lesbian Sex, the Movies & Blocked Noses

The missus took me to a movie last night. (It seems we’ve all started calling ‘fillums’ movies.) It was that new one ‘The Kids are All Right’, and yes, we went to it because it’s about a pair of lesbians with two kids who are dealing with a sperm donor. Now let me just say one thing, we ourselves might be a pair of lesbians, but we do not  have two kids and a sperm donor to deal with. In our case it’s seven kids and two ex husbands.
Still, though, it was a film we could relate to and  I couldn’t help trying to work out which of the lesbians I was most like in the movie. First of all I thought I was like the one with short hair, because she was unappreciative and grumpy and she drank too much. But then the other one had an affair and was always starting up businesses that didn’t work, so I thought I was a bit more like her. In the end I thought I was a bit more like the sperm donor, because he’s this mixed up guy who ends up losing everything.   

There wasn’t an awful lot of sex in the movie, but it did make clear that a sex life was actually happening, even if the one of them did go off and shag that donor in the end, and I was thinking well why not at the start and save your money, but it turns out he only got 60 quid a pop anyway.
I suppose any Hollywood movie needs a bit of cock, because after all, most of the audience will probably be straight, but at least we didn’t feel like freaks anymore, now that middle aged sexually active lesbians with kids are in a mainstream movie, so we ended up having a bit of a romantic night, which transcended itself into a bit of a romantic morning too, and then everyone was late for school and I never got to finish my coffee.
You see, the problem with lesbian sex is this: it’s hard to know when it’s over. The one thing I envy about men, well let’s say the ones I’ve been with, is that they can do the business and that’s it. Into the jocks, out of the bed and don’t call me, I’ll call you.
It’s different with women. You see if I do anything to her, I get turned on, and then she does things to me, and then I need to touch her again, and then that gets me going again, and that goes on for a few hours and then there’s all the touchy feely stuff, and then because of all the touchy feely stuff we both get going again. Then because we’ve both gotten going again, well, I won’t bore you with the details.
I did notice one thing this morning though. My nose was totally blocked up from the heat being on, but after all the middle aged rumblings of ‘stop, no don’t stop, is the immersion on, do that again, are the kids up yet, etc…’ I noticed that my head was totally clear and I could feel the Connemara wind through both nostrils.
I bet if the nasal spray companies knew about this they’d try to ban sex. Well come to think of it, a lot of people have been trying to ban lesbian sex. I bet it’s all a big conspiracy from the pharmaceutical industry. Now I’m wondering what else it might cure? Maybe if we went back to bed it might help my bad hip, but we can’t, she’s gone to work and I have to put the bins out. There’s always tonight. 

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