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Showing posts from March, 2012

The Naked German

I've just returned from an afternoon at the Spa in Karlsruhe. As it's a Wellness centre I decided it may help cure my cold turned chest infection turned ear infection (with a touch of man flu to go with it) before I defy doctor's orders and fly home tomorrow.
But you know how it is when you don't know your way around somewhere, you are always faced with the unexpected. So I began by walking in to the Wellness centre and saying 'A ticket for one please.' The perplexed Wellness money collector rolled her eyes to heaven. 'One what?' Ok, so there are numerous ways of feeling well and they all come at different prices. 'Erm, I've never been here before' I told her, so she gave me the most expensive deal and handed me a plastic card to get me through the stile. I put the ticket into the slot feeling very efficient and pushed ahead. The gate remained shut. People behind me laughed. The money collector politely shouted over to me that I had to wait …

The Irish Vagina

When I was growing up, Irish girls didn't have vaginas, no, they had 'front bottoms'. Well at least that's what it was called in my house. Actually that's not completely true: the whole nether region was referred to as your bum. 'Mammy, my bum is sore' could have meant anything from a bruised buttocks to a urinary tract infection.
It was only in the case of very necessary specific details that you might have to give a more accurate description, whence, you would say something like 'Is it true that when you grow up, babies come out of your front bottom?' The answer was, of course, no, because babies came out from under cabbages, or got delivered by storks when Holy God sent them down. This in turn, supported my belief in miracles given that there were plenty of babies on our road but nobody who grew cabbages and no storks in Ireland.
But enough about where babies come from, let's talk about my front bottom. As we grew up, front bottoms became mor…